Groten Hirtz
559 Hazel St.
Oshkosh, WI 54901

8/23/94

Dear Movieline:

I have been a tremendous fan of Movieline ever since its first issue came out just a few short years ago. Stephen Rebello, Martha Frankel, The Hollywood Kids, Chris Hunt, and Joe Queenan are absolutely wonderful, sedulously serving up refreshingly unconventional and gut-achingly smart-assed pieces month after month. Kudos!

What's that you ask? You think that I'm a sycophantic bastard who's offered a little tit and therefore wishes to command some tat? O.K. you got me. Yes, there is another reason for this letter. Trust me, I meant every word of the first paragraph. But--here it comes--I have a strange request, one that I hope you will take into consideration. Over the years, I've sat through hundreds--if not thousands--of films. Although I deeply respect and am a certified aficionado of the works of such highbrow masters as Scorsese, Hitchcock, Lumet, and D.W. Griffith, I have an eternal fascination with one decidedly low rent filmmaker: Allen Smithee. His name appears repeatedly in the credits of many undeniably bad pictures. Nonetheless, whenever I see his moniker on a video box, I feel compelled to sit through what is invariably misguided--albeit entertaining--dross. The movies (Morgan Stewart's Coming Home, Student Bodies, Let's Get Harry, Stitches, Appointment With Fear....ad nauseam) themselves are almost always amusing (whether this is intentional or unintentional it's hard to determine) yet terminally flawed. What really overwhelms me, however, is Smithee's ability to alter his style from project to project. One minute his prolific cinematic endeavors approximate high camp, the next minute they're tawdry, squalid sexploitation comedies, then, BAM!, he's embracing a whole new genre. He is a veritable chameleon, a versatile maestro! Sure, his films, when scrutinized individually, are slightly less appetizing than bilge water. Nevertheless, when taken in the aggregate, one can't help but feel a deep admiration for Smithee, even though this shit-luck trooper has yet to harness his mammouth talent and make a genuinely good flick.

My request is this: Please do a piece on the man behind the magical stylistic mutations. Teach me, oh wise ones, for I want to understand. Like Demi Moore in Ghost (which, incidentally, could very well have been directed by Smithee), I want to believe! I have entreated your magazine because I consider Movieline to be the only rag intrepid enough to tackle such a topic. God knows Premiere (as it currently stands) would avoid this subject like a pedophile eschews nursing homes. After all, the name in question isn't spelled J-U-L-I-A R-O-B-E-R-T-S. Since Smithee's handle is ubiquitous, I feel that a profile/interview would be of interest to many movie buffs. Thanks for your time.

Keep Up The Good Work,

Groten Hirtz